Non-Dualists’ Anonymous

Posted on Posted in Humour

Hello everyone, and welcome to our Tuesday night Non-Dualists Anonymous meeting. For those of you here for the first time – refreshments are at the back of the room. Bathrooms are on the left.

As many of you know this year-long program is for individuals chronically at one with everything, and as a result, feel as if they may have lost touch with the creative friction that comes from buying into the dualistic illusion. Many of you here tonight will have already spent months, perhaps even years attempting to find a way to “have dinner with someone else” to no avail. We here at NDA want you to know that there is still hope.

As I look around this room tonight, I see a lot of luminescent, fully enlightened faces. Please allow me to assure you that when I first sat down on those very same plastic chairs almost a decade ago I too was incapable of differentiating myself from the known universe. But NDA was so effective at helping me to forget that I’m having this conversation with myself, that I decided to become a certified NDA trainer to help others who have fallen victim to a universe where there is only one, and that one is you, which is a little disappointing, because frankly you’re not that interesting.

We at NDA want you to understand that yes, with hard work and commitment you can once again commune with someone in a way that honors an exciting and profound duality, it is still possible to make out with your partner in a way that doesn’t simply feel as if you’re French kissing your own forearm, and that wars and famines can once again feel as if yes, they are taking place in far off hard-to-pronounce countries, outside your oversensitive, boundless sense of I-Am-ness.

But even now as you look at me I can see the same doubt that I first felt when I arrived here and listened to myself tell me that I could help myself get out of this mess. I too was incredulous that I would somehow be able to find a way out of the absolute, impossibly stabilized realization of my own God head, and in so doing rediscover that there was someone else out there other than yours truly.

Seriously, when I heard that, I laughed at me. What a joke, I thought. But I’m not, which means that neither are you, even if sitting here right now that’s hard to believe because you’re just saying all this to yourself.

Look, the point is that here at Non Dualists Anonymous we know how all consuming absolute consciousness can be. And we’re here to let you know that paradoxically – you are not alone. More importantly, by the end of this twelve month course, that you’re getting for 10% off because you signed up at the early bird special, I can promise you that you’re going to feel absolutely, and completely differentiated from everyone and everything around you, and not just for the rest of this life time, but for the infinite duration of eons of no-time that will follow it in future life times, or NDA will offer you a full refund with no questions asked.

Yes, as outrageous as that sounds coming from what appears to be just another part of your unquantifiable Self-sense – by the time we hold graduation in June, you have my word that you will be completely free from an identification with all that is, and firmly rooted in the confines of a fully differentiated ego-centric awareness that is once again capable of enjoying a world filled with not-you.

Any questions?

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